Thursday, November 20, 2008
Dark & Light
Yesterday, the stress came to an all-time high. On Tuesday, I was sad most of the day, worrying about my mother and the fluid that is slowly stripping her of her strength and drowning her organs. The pain began the instant I got out of bed on Wednesday morning. I knew I had sat too much at work in the prior days but I had hoped it wouldn't catch-up with me. I was wrong. After twisting the wrong way, my hip bone moved and I was in agony. I called in sick and spent the rest of the day wincing in pain but moreover I was sobbing for my mom. I cried so hard that I couldn't see. Everything in my sight blurred into oblivion, just like my thoughts. I tried watching a sappy Connie Seleca Christmas movie I recorded on my DVR last year but that didn't help either. I picked at stupid food all day long trying to quell my unhappiness but this kind of pain isn't cured by oral fixations.
My mom doesn't deserve any of this but I must trust that my faith in God will pull me through. I'm not as religious as my mother but I do believe and pray regularly. I suppose God's ways are not ours otherwise I would have a hard time dealing with her suffering. There are moments when she's laughing and talking about cooking as if nothing was wrong. Then, there are those heartfelt moments when she's giving in to her illness, reaching out as if to say goodbye. It's in those moments when the dark begins to take over the light in my soul. Everyday, I feel it encroaching closer and closer to my inner light and it scares me. I can't let it take over. She wouldn't want that for me. I dally in bereft moments, wondering what would happen if I fell deep into that black whole of misery but then I pull back, knowing full well, this is not some experiment you can just stop. Once you commit, it's all or nothing and when it ends, you'll probably never be the same. It's a vast ocean with a swift rip-tide that will suck you under in seconds, pulling you far from the safety of the shoreline. Not even the most experienced lifeguard could save you....not even Vic.
For now, I'll dabble in my crazy emotions, hoping this is simply a phase rather than some permanent condition of the mind. Losing your last living parent is so overwhelming, it devours you. Right now, I'm wading in the shallow waters of a hurricane ridden sea, hoping that the bottomless pit of misery and fear will pass me by. Peace Out!