Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Reflections of My Trip

Well, I'm finally back from a few well deserved days in Cape May, my little piece of peace in this crazy, hectic world. It makes me realize how much I need to find the calm, the silence and the sweet taste of chi, in my own personal bubble.

After eating great meals, shopping for my beloved silver jewels and eating dark chocolate covered pretzels from The Fudge Kitchen, I'm ready to head back to Weight Watchers with my head hung a little low. Although I wasn't as bad as I could have been, I did indulge in some white bread and pasta, along with a few bagels...OK, it was a downright carbohydrate festival that included pita's, chips and lots of other bad-ass foodie delights that I have not partaken in for years. I don't know what got into me. I still haven't gotten my period, so I suspect I'm either pregnant or very very late, in which case, my appetite for all things bread are at an all-time, classic high. This, of course, is not good for a person of my genetic make-up who has high sugar levels and has been reprimanded by her doc for misbehaving with the carbs. I've been an angel for months, religiously taking my cinnamon pills everyday which keeps my metabolism in check, leveling off the sugar flowing through my blood.
Upon my return, I was faced with the prospect of returning to this job that has become more than a prison, it's a downright solitary confined, rat infested, submerged bamboo water torture cage. I dragged my butt here today, wishing I was en route to anywhere else in the world, hoping for divine intervention once again.

I did have an epiphany on Pittsburgh Beach in Cape May the other day. I highly recommend those. They always seem to come, just when I feel my life is beginning to spiral, catching my mind, body and soul from another bottomless flop. As I was escaping this obnoxious, prejudice asshole on the beach who commented on my thighs, suggested the woman and daughter in front of me were raging lesbian lovers and mocked every woman who is not a size zero in a five mile radius, I stood on the edge of the beach, knee-deep in salty froth, listening to my Ipod, thinking people like that should be marked with an X on their foreheads so when people throw rocks at them, they have a nice, steady target to shoot for!

I was the only person on that part of the beach and when I looked out to the horizon, arms spread wide-open, feeling like I was not only in control of my destiny and happiness, but in for an interesting, eclectic glide through the mystical and mysterious things to come. Listening to a strange mix of recently played songs, I imagined my way through Michael Sembello's "Maniac," The Hollies, "Bus Stop," and how apropos, Billy Joel's, "Vienna." I'm not sure what it is with that tune, but it's been somewhat of a theme song for me for years and although I'm no longer a 21 year old, naive dreamer, it still has important significance in my life because I flatly refuse to become some sort of mini van, soccer mom who gave up all her dreams. I think we can have it all in doses...the husband, the kids and the dreams. If you lose sight of the dreams, your life will turn out to be a shattered mess of disappointments all leading you to a vast pit of self pity from which there is no return. If I lose the idealistic part of my personality, what's really left. Do we chat about dirty laundry and cleaning the toilet or shall we dance around dog shit and stare at each other blankly, wishing we were anywhere but there, stuck in a proverbial shit-house of failures, with mirrors in every direction reflecting the lousy mess we are forced to sift through as a glare tries to blind our perspectives.

Thank God for Cape May! I hope everyone has that special little Shangra La in their lives because visiting that somewhere makes our small lives, tremendously larger and more profound. It feeds our thoughts, adds to our perspective and nourishes our self-image. We are women on the move, exciting in both day-old sweat pants as well as high fashion couture, living our lives out loud and free from societal intervention. It's in those places where we find our saving grace. I know when it hits me, it feels like an all encompassing August sun, that moves over my body in raptuous waves of heat, encouraging me to move ahead silently, in the mist of scared notions and thoughts.

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