Thursday, September 25, 2008
Remember to Breathe
I'm stuck in a rut between high anxiety and outrageously high blood pressure and I'm not sure which is worse or if they work as a tandem team, crushing their opposition by paralyzing them with pressure and stress. I suppose I write to exercise these emotions from my both my gut and shoulders but for the most part, it's not working these days. I need a vacation from my life, a break, a something. I'm swimming in a sea of nervousness and fear with a little guilt thrown in there to finish me off.
I know what the cause of all of this is and I just can't fix it right now. I'm desperately trying although I'm bound by duty and responsibility to this maddening issue and feel like I'm in the boiling pot all by my lonesome. Nobody can kiss my boo-boo and make it all go away. The problem is what it is and until it's fixed, my stress level will not dissipate.
I even bought this $300 breathing machine on the Internet that promises to lower blood pressure within a few weeks. It's holistic and I've done research on this particular machine so I'm not dealing with quackology, charlatans or chicanery. I just need some help. I can't bear this load alone, just like no one can. I'm the first to say I'm no "Superwoman." I feel like things are caving in around me like some sort of sand pit that has an insatiable appetite. I'm lost and cannot be found. I'm sad and cannot be cheered up. I need peace and quiet to write and capture that light that was just starting to flicker inside me...people were noticing it...and now I fear it's doused forever. I've just got to remember to breathe and breathe deep, so my lungs are filled to capacity with oxygen, giving me that natural high I so evidently need. Breathe in for four seconds, hold it six and exhale for eight. That's the correct ratio for proper meditative breathing to de-stress the body, therefore lowering the blood pressure.
Now that I've spewed, dumped and vomited my confusion and frustration into this little silver and black box, I feel slightly better but not fixed. I just need to remember to breathe, it's the only thing that's going to save me right now.