Saturday, December 13, 2008
Warm Christmas Nights and Close Friends
I had a few friends over tonight to decorate my tree and we ended up having a bullshit session around my kitchen table over homemade mac and cheese and salad. I needed a girls night and honestly, I need more of them in the near future. I'm excited for the holidays to be over and done with this year, mostly because much of it is going to be sad and painful. I'm looking beyond the next two weeks to spending more quiet time with my mom, my pending trip to DC and hopefully Paris in the spring. I'm doing what I usually do...plan less and live in the moment more. I'm disconnected from all the negativity that has brought me down for years, placing me in some sort of emotional limbo that I always thought was inescapable. Thanks to therapy, good friends and my wonderful spouse, I've come to realize that love doesn't hurt, it isn't bought with gifts nor is it held for ransom. I've always been an innately happy person and learned after my college years that I needed to remove all the negative influences and people from my life in order for me to move forward. By doing that, it left me lonely and although it was more healthy for me in the long run, it made me re-think my exit strategies. I should have handled many of these people and situations differently, but I was young and needed closure quickly or I may have lost my nerve. I learned so much from each one of those friendships and realize now that there was a yin and a yang to my fractured friendships, although one was too painful to re-kindle. I've been a true dichotomy for most of my life. I thrive on being social, while at other times, I relish being alone, mostly to think and reflect. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, I just exist. I distance myself from those that try and dictate or bully me. Every decision I've made in my life has been because of my me. I've never let anyone in, except Vic. I'm just protecting myself and finding my way. I don't fit in with them and probably never will, which is totally OK with me. I just want to move forward and live the life I have chosen for myself.