Thursday, December 11, 2008
Long, Painful Goodbyes
Sitting in my office, listening to a constant loop of Christmas songs on the radio and my involuntarily tapping to the piddle-paddle of the rain against my air conditioner, has put me in somewhat of a melancholy mood. I don't have seasonal depression or waning vitamin D from lack of sunlight, I'm sure of that. I sun bathed a little extra this summer to prevent that from happening! With all the emotions that go along with life and death, it's any wonder that I can make it to work and function all day long. I spent most of the day allowing my mind to wander and wonder what will become of me once she's gone. Her influence on me has been profound to say the least. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara sometimes, always saving my problems for another day. I suppose I have to accept that personality fault that I've owned for a lifetime. It's who I am and honestly, the process has worked for me to date, so why screw with something tried and true. Everyone deals with death in different ways. I face it when I'm ready and how I do it is my own business. It's not for anyone to judge, cast stones at or criticize. She has been my mentor and best friend since I was a tot and we would eat cream cheese and crackers on the living room floor while watching re-runs of Bewitched and tid-bits of Search for Tomorrow. Our relationship is not complicated and I never expected more than I received from her. She's been a cheerleader for me my entire life and when that voice is silenced, who will route for me in such a selfless, endearing manor. Who will be that special someone in my life? Losing your last living parent is painful and at times, all encompassing. You feel a dark sadness that seems to emanate from somewhere deep in your heart, stripping you of any feeling but numbness. I want to run far away from the loneliness of bereft thoughts and bask in the glories of years past, quietly reminiscing amongst close friends of her big and small success and of course failures. I suppose I'll never forget her hearty laugh and the look on her silly face when she was unable to contain herself. I'll carry her in my heart always.